how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
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