Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Congratulations! We have a period
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