he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
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