yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
