i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
