If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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