I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
