How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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