my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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