Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Randomize