it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
