Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
