i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
