get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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