U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
