Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I have demons in me.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
