it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
