I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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