Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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