Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
