Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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