I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Randomize
