I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize