Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Randomize
