my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
