im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
