there was a trapeze. enough said
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
