Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Randomize
