I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
sick fucks of a feather flock together
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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