Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
