I wish my penis had an off switch
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
