Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize