you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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