i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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