Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
I need to stop coming to work sober
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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