I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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