you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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