I cannot find my penis.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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