i just wanna soil my oats bro
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
