How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
