HIV tests are more positive than that guy
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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