wanna go halves on a baby?
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
