I just threw up on my dentist
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
