Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Randomize
