I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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