when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
