mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
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