and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
