I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
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