Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
