You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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