Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Randomize