Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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