textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Randomize
