So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Randomize
