my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
