oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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