I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
