this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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